*sigh*

Ive been feeling weird and shaky lately..

The sessions that ive had with him lately have been really special (and nevertheless exhausting) its full of emotions.. I think our relationship ave gone one notch up and that is a good thing i guess.. I really feel so comfortable and happy when im spending time with him but lately ive been feeling kind of embarrassed when im infront of him..

Its like, I feel that ive become a really slutty, dirty girl from the once very innocent girl that i am.. Its weird and its messing up my emotions..

I want to be with him and i LOVE what we do together but i dont understand why i feel this way.. I really dont know why and i couldnt even answer him when he asks me why im feeling that way towards him..

We talked aout it awhile ago and my mind has been set straight once again.. but i really hope i wont go through with these again because it gets me more confused..

i just dont know

I know i shouldn't let myself get carried away but its really hard for me not too.. i still have really (as in REALLY REALLY) strong feelings for him.. Im actually wondering why.. I mean of all the guys ive known all my life, he's the only one ive ever felt this close to..

Its so hard.. if not for my feelings i'd let go, but i just can't, i dont think i can still make it without him.. and everytime he tells me im NOT his girl, it stabs me...

After last night's punishment and conversation, i think i'd just keep my being jealous to myself, it feels weird after all, having him rub it on my face that im not his girl, i guess i really dont have the right to get jealous.. so why tell..

its very confusing and hard...

shit.

seventeenth

I know im not supposed to be selfish but being the "overly" jealous girl that i am, i almost wished she never really came to stay at his place...

But thinking about it right now, i guess im just so thankful now that she's there to take care of him while he has that nasty flu (not that i want her to stay for more than a week). I should have been there and i should be the one but im too far away from him so i guess its just proper to give her credit for it...

i miss him dearly...

*****

backtrack: The feeling is weird... everything really is a first to me.. and i think im really falling in love with him.. im just not sure if i should allow myself to fall deeply..

tenth

We fought the other day and it just made me feel horrible.. the pain was second to when we broke up.. im so confused, helpless and lost...

I was punished last night and for the record even if it wasn't a long punishment, it was the most painful punishment among all that ive had..

The whole session last night was an emotional roller coaster and was physically draining as well. The pain, pleasure and feelings mixed all in all..

*****

backtrack: I was excited and nervous the first time i heard his voice.. He sounded really strict and snappy.. It was my first EVER, and i was excited and thankful enough that he considered putting me under his training. But ive had difficulties when he finally set the rules. It was a really hard start (and i have to say that again a REALLY hard start), i couldn't last a day without getting punished and every punishment gets worse every time..

His company was really great, and amazingly we jived with no problems at all so it was difficult for me to keep that "Sir" thing at the end of everything i said because i get carried away easily. But after weeks i slowly learned and got used to it.

eighth

I just feel like crap... its me and my big mouth and big ideas again.. i just hate myself when this happens..

*****

backtrack: It was that once when i finally tried to dive into this whole thing. Before then i was happy just looking at bdsm pictures and clips from afar and wondering how it was for real.. and so i tried.. My very first step was to go into a chat room.. Reading through lines and lines of conversation made me want to leave cuz i cant even relate to any of them but i told myself "what the heck, im already here" and i clicked on the very first name my eyes set on... and that was him..
I'd like to think it was meant to be but i dont know maybe its just me and my emotions right now. But i have no regrets meeting him because he's the one who keeps me going...

oh my

This appears to be harder than i thought it was.. i thought blogging about this would just come second nature to me but i guess im wrong..

Looking back i think it has already been 3 months since ive decided to finally dive into this and try it, i was too shy and afraid of it before but now, im loving it and getting used to it.. I guess it just all comes down to who youre doing it with cuz if it was someone else i wouldn't have continued..

So for a few weeks this blog would be filled with backtracks for the last 3 months...

for starters

Blogging is not really that new to me, but i guess putting this specific blog is... i mean being open about what ive recently discovered about myself..

So just to start with, this blog like i said would be about me of course, the deeper side of me so to speak.. And how i now believe that really looks can be so deceiving..

Alot of people think im like a very innocent angel like human being created in this world but i guess im not... or rather, i have "that" side of me..

This isnt going to be a sad, rant blog, but more of the journey and discovery.. and im excited..

soooo here goes...